Am I a grown up?

More than one friend has forwarded this forward:

SUBJECT:  25 Ways to tell You’re a Grown Up

1.  Your houseplants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them.

2.  Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3.  You keep more food than beer in your fridge.

4.  6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5.  You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6.  You watch the weather channel.

7.  Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up,” and “break up.”

8.  You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9.  Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10.  You’re the one calling the police because those %#@&! kids won’t turn down the stereo.

11.  Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12.  You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes any more.

13.  Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14.  You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15.  Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16.  You take naps.

17.  Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.

18.  Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19.  You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid instead of condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”

21.  You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22.  “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23.  90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24.  You no longer drink at home to save money before going to the bar.

25.  When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate them rather than asking, “Oh shit – what the hell happened?”

26.  You read this entire list, desperately looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.  Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends because you know they’ll enjoy it too.  And now you know why I’m forwarding this to you.

The last friend who sent it prefaced it with “To all the old farts in my life. LOL Have a spectacular weekend! J” 

So this friend and all the others who have forwarded this forward apparently think I’m a grown up, or they wouldn’t have sent this to me.  But when I read the list, I didn’t have to “desperately look for one sign that didn’t apply” to me.  None of them did.  Let’s have a look, shall we?

 

1.  Your houseplants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them.

All dead and if they were smokable, I’m sure my boyfriend would have done so by now.

2.  Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

Living in a 500sf studio means that a bed larger than a twin is out of the question.  So is not having sex.  You do the math. 

3.  You keep more food than beer in your fridge.

500sf doesn’t give you much room, so I have a dorm fridge.  One of the three shelves is devoted entirely to booze.

4.  6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

The only time I see 6am is when I’ve been up all night drinking and *ahem* with my crazy boyfriend.   

5.  You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

Of course I do.  Because I have my headphones on.  So I don’t have to talk to the other people on the elevator. 

6.  You watch the weather channel.

Oops.  No cable.

7.  Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up,” and “break up.”

My married friends seem very happy together and the rest of my friends are single and still do plenty of hooking up.

8.  You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Who gets 130 days of vacation?  Europeans?  Oh – they’re referring to summer break for students.  So does this mean there’s no gray area between being in school and being old?  Hardly seems fair.  But since I rarely take vacation, I have about 90 days saved up.  So there.

9.  Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

Says who?  If the jeans are clean and the hems aren’t tattered, pair them up with a decent sweater and boots and voila!  I’m dressed up.  Heck, people might even think I have a job interview.

10.  You’re the one calling the police because those %#@&! kids won’t turn down the stereo.

Sometimes my elderly downstairs neighbor gets drunk and plays opera or jazz really loud.  He’s a pretty cool old curmudgeon though, and I hope I’m still getting wasted and playing loud music when I’m his age.  Rock on, rock star.

11.  Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

My dad still blushes and shifts uncomfortably in his seat when tampon or Viagra commercials come on. 

12.  You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes any more.

Which one?  The one in Arlington is open until 3am.  Why?  Do you know someone sober enough to drive?  You fly; I’ll buy.

13.  Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

Oops.  No car either.

14.  You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

Oops.  No dog.  But if I had one, I would give her whatever she wanted.

15.  Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

What kind of couch do YOU have?  Mine is so comfy it’s like a nicely upholstered elephant dart.  Don’t even get near it unless you have a couple of hours to spare.

16.  You take naps.

I wish.

17.  Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.

See #4. 

18.  Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

Make those vegetarian chicken wings and put me down for a basket.  Hot sauce, please.

19.  You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid instead of condoms and pregnancy tests.

Because I had my tubes tied 5 years ago, I no longer need condoms or pregnancy tests.  But I also have no need for ibuprofen or antacids.  The drug store is a great place to get groceries though.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”

For $4.00, it had better be good!  Have you tried the Charles Shaw wine from Trader Joe’s?  $3.39 per bottle.  And yes, it’s pretty good shit.

21.  You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

If I was awake at breakfast time, I certainly would.  As it is, I think a handful of Nutter Butters and hot chocolate make for a fine brunch at 11ish, when I roll into the office.

22.  “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

In fact I can drink the way I used to — perhaps even better — and every time I do, I swear that I’m never going to drink that much again.

23.  90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

I hope it looks like real work…while I’m looking up Foo Fighters tour dates and scouting for the best price on my next pair of Vans.

24.  You no longer drink at home to save money before going to the bar.

I drink so much before I go to the bar, sometimes I don’t even make it to the bar.

25.  When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate them rather than asking, “Oh shit – what the hell happened?”

Better her than me.

26.  You read this entire list, desperately looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.  Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends because you know they’ll enjoy it too.  And now you know why I’m forwarding this to you.

I’ve never forwarded this to a soul. 

So the verdict is in.  Sorry Mom and Dad.  I am not, in fact, a grown up. 

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